We should be wondering about THE ONE THING BARBIE NEVER WAS…Fortunately, Ammo Grrrll knows. She writes:
Barbie, the doll you could dress instead of feed and diaper, was introduced March 9, 1959. She became a marketing phenom, and eventually a marketing juggernaut for Mattel.
Barbie, the movie, came out in 2023 and was also a big hit. I do not have a daughter or granddaughter and as a young girl, I thought Barbie was THE stupidest “doll” ever invented, with the possible exception of the “Bride Doll.” I knew one little girl who had a Bride Doll which did absolutely nothing but sit inert on her bed in a fancy white dress, kind of like Miss Havisham from Charles Dickens’s Great Expectations, only younger. And probably less crazy, although with all the Bridezilla stories we have heard, who knows?
But I was already 13 when Barbie came on the scene and I had zero interest in clothes, anyway, so I was never able to grasp what all the fuss was about.
My younger sister had an original Barbie which would probably be worth a fortune today if only she were in mint condition, never removed from the box and played with, and anyone in the family had the slightest idea where she was. Barbie, I mean. My sister is in pretty good condition and lives in a very nice house in Michigan.
Anyway, I got to ruminating about the many many baby dolls I had as a child growing up, pretty much one a year for my birthday or Christmas until I was in 6th grade. All my doll children had names and were well taken care of. It never occurred to me that it was unlikely that I would have 10 babies at the same time who were all infants. That’s a lot even for a litter!
By age 11 my parents decided I was too old for dolls. I tried to be excited about whatever I got instead – socks? Pajamas? An eyelash curler? – but secretly I just wanted another doll. I figured I would work at SOMETHING – secretary, teacher, store clerk – until I got married, but then all I wanted to do was have babies. I realize that there is probably not a little girl on the planet today who would dare to say that out loud. Or, truth to tell, who would even think it.
It was pretty strange even back in the ’50s and ’60s. Many of my best friends then – several of whom are still my best friends today – did not ever raise children. They are all accomplished women who would have made great mothers. My bestie said she was NEVER interested in a baby doll, even as a wee lass. Fair dinkum. Different strokes and all that.
Nor am I upset that little girls for the last 65 years have been encouraged to “dream big.” As we shall see in a few paragraphs, Barbie has been EVERYTHING and there is not a single profession named except for U.S. President (thank God) that an actual grown-up little girl has not attained. So, bully for little girls. But why throw out the LITERAL baby with the bathwater? More on this, anon.
In the July 18, 2023 edition of Buzzfeed a woman named Alexa Lisitza did me the favor, from which I have drawn mightily, of listing all 200 of the occupations that Barbie had had up to that time. (Thank you, Ms. Lisitza.) It’s an impressive and frequently-hilarious list. If Barbie were applying for yet another job today, her résumé would resemble the New York phone book. (Back when there was such a thing as a phone book. God, I’m old…) Assuming, of course, that anyone would want to hire a woman who changed jobs 5-8 times a YEAR!
Barbie has had every highly unlikely Dream Job in the world: Fashion Designer, Olympic Skater, Rock Star, UNICEF Ambassador, Starfleet Commander, Singer, Matador, Actor AND Film Director, because all actors want to direct. She has been the U.S. President AND Vice President, a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, Film Producer, and Ballerina. In later years, it goes without saying, she was also a Rapper (Busty Rhymes?)
I am all for anything that promotes patriotism — Barbie served in every branch of the Military except the Coast Guard, and it’s possible she joined that after 2023. Perhaps inspired by her stint in the Air Force, she also became first a Flight Attendant and then a pilot and finally – why not? – an astronaut. You go, girl!
In addition to having conquered every profession from Dolphin Trainer to Photo Journalist, from Aircraft Engineer to Judge, from Robotics Engineer to Park Ranger, ageless Barbie has also been unusually athletic despite proportions that you might think would just make her fall over. No! She has excelled at Scuba Diving, Race Car Driving, Hockey, Golf, the Martial Arts, Volleyball, Skating, Skiing, Tennis, Swimming and Professional Baseball! (SOMEbody had to be the first female in MLB…walking home from grade school, I used to fantasize about being THE ONE. Since I could not bat or field, in the fantasy I was a pitcher!)
In one of the early decades, Barbie was a Surgeon and then, much later, she was a Waitress and also a Movie Usher, triggering for me the awesome routine by the late (greatest) comedian Bob Newhart. In a famous bit, he was a PR guy advising Abraham Lincoln and trying to get him to remember his official bio: “Abe, you were a rail-splitter, THEN a lawyer. See, it doesn’t make any sense to give up a successful law practice to become a rail-splitter.”
In what I hope was in part an homage to George Costanza, Barbie was also both an Architect and a Marine Biologist. And, as time slogged on and people got dumber, Barbie also became a “Renewable Energy Engineer” because it’s hot sometimes, so we’re all gonna die.
Barbie assumed various skin colors over the decades and also – under extreme pressure from lunatics with way too much time on their hands – got less curvaceous and chunkier, so that those of us who do NOT resemble Selma Hayek wouldn’t feel bad.
I have barely scratched the surface of Barbie’s many professions, proving she could not merely do ANYTHING, but also EVERYTHING, even though most of us must train for many years to devote our lives to only a couple of those jobs.
But here’s the thing. The vast majority of MEN who had been doing most of those jobs forever, were also FATHERS. Yes, yes, I realize that their wives often gave up careers to do the lion’s share of child-raising. But why could we not have even one incarnation of “Mommy Barbie”? Ken, of course, was not equipped physically or emotionally for fatherhood. I don’t think he was even “husband” material, just a perpetual “boyfriend” who could talk fashion with Barbie. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Western Civilization is deciding it is better for women to be Construction Workers, ZooKeepers, and yes, Boxers (three more of Barbie’s jobs), than Mommies. The epitaph for Western Civilization might well be: “Honey, we forgot to have kids!” Elon can’t do it alone.
