Trust in the news media has dropped so far that after people watch Margaret Brennan on “Face the Nation,” they check their wrist to make sure she hasn’t stolen their watch. A new Gallup poll shows that 53% of Americans believe journalists are two-faced, lying dirtbags who have sunk so low they could walk under a snake’s belly with a top hat on. 36% say they couldn’t do it with a top hat but probably could with a derby or maybe a fedora. The remaining 11% say they watched the news just last night and think journalists are great, or maybe that was “Matlock” and they mean lawyers.
The White House Correspondents Association — or White House Correspondents Ass, for short — became concerned over the media’s falling popularity after White House Smokeshow Karoline Leavitt announced that, from now on, new media reporters would get front row seats at press briefings, while legacy reporters would be required to stand in the corner and repeat, “I will not lie about the president,” 400 times before they can ask a question, and even then can only ask it silently in their minds.
The President of the White House Correspondents ASS Mr. Schmuckface McLowlife protested Miss Leavitt’s decision and said he would do anything to be allowed to sit close to her again or just to have a garment that still smelled of her perfume. Miss Leavitt responded, “Get the hell away from me, you creep,” which Mr. McLowlife took as a good sign, since at least she acknowledged his existence.
WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show
In an attempt to win back the good will of the public, journalists have hired a new spokesman, the accomplished hypnotist Swami Origami Umami, who is so excited to make the journalists’ case that he’s taken a pay cut from his former job of running the three card monte game off the top of a cardboard box outside the Port Authority Bus Terminal in Manhattan.
The Daily Wire interviewed Swami Umami, and we’re pleased to publish the transcript of that Q and A.
Q: Swami Umami, after the news media actively covered up Joe Biden’s dementia, why should anyone trust them ever again?
A: Concentrate on the tip of my finger. Listen to the sound of my voice. Sleep now. And when I snap my finger, you will awake knowing that the news media was dogged in bringing the truth to the American public. Here’s a new book by Jake Tapper that explains how he and other intrepid journalists uncovered Biden’s dementia. Would Jake Tapper write such a book if it weren’t true? Of course not.
Q: Yes, I guess Jake really did try to find out… No, wait, wait, that’s ridiculous. He lied like a dog, so did the rest of the press corps. And what about the Russian Collusion hoax? The news media held up the country for two years with that garbage even though they knew it was a psy-op by the Clinton campaign in league with a corrupt FBI and CIA.
A: Think of a rippling lagoon beneath a gently whispering waterfall. Imagine the steady plashing of the water as you drift into a peaceful trance. Now look: The New York Times and the Washington Post won Pulitzer Prizes for their work on Russian Collusion. Repeat after me: The Pulitzer Prize is very prestigious. They wouldn’t give it to newspapers who were perpetrating a hoax out of political malice.
Q: Yes, of course, they don’t just give Pulitzer Prizes for… no, no, no, no. This is nonsense. The Pulitzer is just as corrupt as the Times and the Post. And what about how the media covered COVID. They made a hero out of Anthony Fauci while he was covering up his own role in the deaths of millions, then demonized far better doctors who were trying to get out the truth.
A: Look at my watch, swinging back and forth on its chain. The media battled Right-wing misinformation to bring Americans the truth about COVID.
Q: Yes, yes, I see now. Our news media is totally honest and has been doing a great job. Thank you, Swami Umami.
A: You’re welcome. Now, just relax. Let go of all your freedoms. And quack like a duck.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A Woman Underground.” His most recent nonfiction release is “The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).
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