Thoughts from the ammo line

Mamas, let your babies grow up to be RAISED ON COWBOY VALUES. Ammo Grrrll writes:

As I have mentioned many times, our family did not get a television set until 1958 when I was already 12 years old. It got one station, an NBC affiliate, so those are the only programs I watched growing up. For example, I never saw an episode of I Love Lucy or The Ed Sullivan Show except in reruns decades later.

Our family gathered nights and the kids on Saturday mornings for the likes of Wagon Train, Bonanza, 26 Men, The Virginian, Roy Rogers; The Cisco Kid, The Lone Ranger, and many more. Of course, the other two networks also had cowboys, including the decades-running Gunsmoke.

From the cowboy movies and TV programs we learned “Cowboy Values,” which included respecting and defending women, going to bat for underdogs against the more powerful, and being willing to go it alone, if need be.

Sometimes a lawman had to make a lynch mob stand down – either by force or by shame. Sometimes, a man had to face what he believed could be a superior gunman alone. The cowboy cared for his horse before himself, often had a dog, and was honest in all his dealings. He was a doer, though not much of a talker. Sometimes he had a talking or singing sidekick, such as the aptly named “Gabby” Hayes.

From these cowboy shows we children of the ’50s learned – in addition to noble cowboy virtues — many incorrect things about guns. One conclusion from watching the Saturday morning shows like The Lone Ranger was that getting shot was not a big deal. Getting shot meant that you were “winged” and needed to take your neckerchief and make a little sling out of it. Sometimes you could even still shoot with that hand, emptying your six-shooter 50 or 60 times into the sagebrush, without ever reloading.

Bad Men were not just stupid but terrible shots. All the Good Guy needed was a big rock to hide behind and a stick slightly taller than that rock on which to put his hat. This was a clever ruse that never – no, really never – failed to fool the bad guy into thinking the Good Guy’s head was inside that hat. Bad Guy training did not include either marksmanship or a stern warning to avoid a hat on a stick at all costs, while the Good Guy outflanked him.

Women were very important in those cowboy shows. There were some Tough Independent Women like Annie Oakley and Calamity Jane. However, many episodes featured the cowboy hero and his love interest. Women generally fell into two categories. There were a few Bad Girls, whom you could spot right away by their skanky outfits and permanent residence in a saloon. (Miss Kitty was an interesting exception as Matt Dillon’s love interest). Sure, some men were initially fooled into thinking the Bad Girls were suitable companions – in much the same way some modern men believe that strippers like them personally — but the Good Girls would almost always win the guy in the end.

A glaring exception to the Good Guy getting the girl, involved the Cartwright boys. Any girl who fell for a Cartwright would be dead by the end of the episode. Whenever my little sister and I would see a woman falling for a Cartwright we would yell “RUN!” at the television.

The tough women whose lunatic husbands had convinced them to walk from St. Joe, MO to California in a wagon train were portrayed as uncomplaining, loyal, strong and brave. Mama and I were in awe of these pioneer women who walked through deserts, over mountains, crossed raging rivers, and helped to dig their awful Conestoga wagons from axle-deep mud.

I believe with all my heart that the best of those Cowboy Values are baked into every American who watched those shows. But everything good ends. Cowboys gave way to an era of kind of lost men-children, followed by the current era of anorexic yet invincible Girl Bosses.

I also believe the instinct to defend and protect women is hard-wired into the American Male DNA. Are there pointlessly violent and evil men, psychotics even? Of course. And women, too, don’t kid yourself. But I mean a huge majority of men, gay and straight, black and white, old and young, most every being with a “Y” chromosome is genetically programmed to protect women. I have seen it in action.

Once when we were wintering in San Diego in 1998, we had a fellow comic friend visit from the D.C. area. We took him out to eat at a nice seafood restaurant right on the Bay. Everything was going swimmingly (as it SHOULD in a seafood restaurant – haha) until we noticed that the table about 8 feet from ours included a very drunk, obnoxious man who was being abusive to the woman he was with. She appeared to be trying to break up with him.

When he began calling her unflattering names laced with profanity, the manager came over and informed him that this was “a family restaurant” and quietly encouraged him either to lower his voice or be asked to leave. He complied for several nanoseconds.

The jerk was loud enough and threatening enough that every single male in the dining room was on high alert. It was a sight to see. Retirees with their wives. Big strong gay men with their partners. And at our table, our friend Dave, a strapping Iowa farm boy, and Joe/Max. The Bat Signal had gone out that a woman was in danger and there was not a male there who was not preparing mentally and physically to respond decisively if necessary.

You could almost smell the adrenaline and testosterone. This was California so, unlike in Arizona, nobody drew down. But had the guy touched the lady, he would have been swarmed and beaten to a fine fare-thee-well. I was looking forward to it. But he was asked to leave again and did. The men made eye contact, shook their heads, rolled their eyes, breathed a collective sigh of relief, and went back to their Surf ‘N Turf.

Which brings me to some glad tidings. The famous novelist Max Cossack, whom I know personally, has written a short Western novel which is a throwback to those Cowboy Values and also a total delight.

Most people are at least dimly aware of the Great Depression of 1929. But how many have heard about the Panic of 1873, which was nearly as devastating? In White Money (a wonderful throwback to old-timey Western novels like Shane and True Grit), Civil War veteran Morris Goldwater, like millions of his fellow Americans, has been caught up in the financial disaster of the Panic.

With his business collapsing, and desperate to support his wife and children, Goldwater leaps at the promise of half interest in an Arizona silver mine claimed by his old Union Army comrade and mentor. Riding the rails, camping with hoboes, encountering the best and worst of humanity, he makes his way southwest.

Dangers and disappointments abound, not least of which is finding that the Arizona desert in winter is not the paradise Goldwater hoped for. Claim jumpers, a corrupt judge (no, surely not, THAT could never happen!), bigots and brigands conspire to thwart his dreams. Will evil be a match for the ingenuity and the basic goodness of the average American? Never count a war veteran out, even against formidable odds.

You can find it in eBook or paperback on Amazon or in paperback directly from the author at here with the coveted 15 percent discount. Just enter PLDISCOUNT (all CAPS) at checkout.