Donald Trump has fired nearly 50% of the staff of the Department of Education, sending waves of shock and outrage through 50% of the staff of the Department of Education. And maybe a few other people; I’m not sure.
The president took the drastic step of canning 13-thousand DOE employees after finding out that — one — the DOE has been spending more than $250 billion a year which is some 4%of all federal spending and — two — American students’ math and reading skills have plummeted into an abyss of mental darkness and — three — there is not really a clause in the Constitution that allows the president to have DOE employees executed, but only in the make-believe Constitution that Elon Musk doodled on a stall in a White House restroom as a joke. So firing these people turned out to be the best Trump could do.
Outraged Democrats held a protest in a broom closet in the Capitol, and spoke with a reporter from the Associated Press who was hiding there from Karoline Leavitt lest she strike again. Democrat congressman Fidel Mohammed Jihad Mao Mohammed Jihad told the reporter, “This assault on our beloved education department has angered every single American in this broom closet. Trump is trying to ruin our schools and trap our children in ignorance and poverty — and that’s the job of the Teachers Unions, so not only is he a tyrant, he’s actually a scab as well. Democrats should take to the streets to protest this action just as soon as they finish protesting the disempowerment of sexual psychopaths and drastic cuts to a vast network of waste and fraud that has taken us years of work to build. Trump is destroying America or, anyway, our version of America which, okay, isn’t “America” America, but we still call it America, so when we say Trump is destroying America, that is technically something that almost sounds true.”
Teachers Union President Randi Weingarten also protested the job cuts. Appearing in an interview on CNN after rising from a flaming crevice in the earth in a yellow cloud of sulfurous smoke, Ms. Weingarten said “The Department of Education has spent literally hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars doing the all-important work of buying union support for Democrats. This money is carefully doled out to ensure that every child in America has a teacher whose union representative is driving a Mercedes after doing an hour of paperwork to prove their schools are following a federal recipe for success that has already raised the reading skills of eighth graders to a third grade level. Trump’s secret plan is evil, and believe me, I know something about evil. I mean, just look at me. Look at my golden eyes. Trump’s plan is to allow poor minority students to choose their own schools. That’s insane! These children are languishing in a seething hell of illiteracy, damning them to a jobless future in which their only consolation will be the false comfort of drugs and children born out of wedlock ultimately leading to yet another generation of crushing poverty. They’re not educated enough to choose their own schools. We need to keep spending taxpayer’s money until they’re completely ignorant. Then at least when they have school choice, they might choose public schools.”
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As if Trump’s cuts to the DOE weren’t bad enough, the president further outraged educators by arresting and threatening to deport a Palestinian Columbia student who led illegal demonstrations on college campuses in support of Hamas and who belongs to an organization dedicated to “the total eradication of western civilization.”
CNN Anchorwoman Shapely Nudnick objected to the move, saying, “Just because a man shuts down a university and persecutes Jewish students to support mass-murdering terrorists, that doesn’t make him a bad person. I’m afraid by having him arrested, this administration is distracting federal law enforcement officers from their important work of investigating parents who want to keep pornography out of elementary schools and spying on Catholics who attend Latin Mass.”
With that, the anchorwoman was surrounded by a sulfurous cloud of yellow smoke and dragged down into a flaming crevice in the earth, where she joined the Teacher’s Union.
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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A Woman Underground.” His most recent nonfiction release is “The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).
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